Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Ask Arabella Again...

So many of you have written asking the Sock for advice and thanking her for that already dispelled. The mysterious Black Fingernail has been helping go through the mailbag at the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy and answer the more deviant problems. He suggests to AT that he will find plenty of help with that sort of thing in his SPAM mailbox.


My dearest Arabella

I am in line for a new job that will require commuting two days a week to the Midlands.

Is it true that if I get passed over for it that I will have to go into a perpetual strop and be forced to spend the next thirty years writing a column for a Red Top Newspaper?


The Sock says: Returning to tabloid journalism would be too much of a step back. Raise your sights higher - and remember the 2007 'Slimmer of the Year' made a fortune promoting merchandise.

Dear Arabella

I write a column in a well known fish and chip paper and have been stumped by a reader's question. I wonder if you could help?

The reader wants to NOT use chemicals on their brassica bed! Crazy I know - but you get all sorts of long-haired hippies reading my five inches! I can only advise soaking the area in three doses of armillatox before planting and steeping used cigarette butts* to make a handy insecticide.

Yours in desperation,
Peter S.

*Embassy No 1 are preferable.

The Sock says: Perhaps you have aimed your sights too high in attempting to write for a newspaper. Retire gracefully now - the rest of the world has moved on.

Dear Arabella

How can I up my celebrity status from my current 'E' list grade? I feel I am constantly overlooked and ignored.


Dear Akabilk

I run an online shop and real life "visitor experience" and offer individual MMR jabs as a sideline.

Having advertised on my website 10 lettuce seedlings for £9.95 + £3.95 delivery I have only had a few MEPs as takers.

Given the lettuces are now quite big - should I increase the price to £99.95 for 10 or buy a rampant rabbit?

Dr. S.R.
East Sussex

The Sock says: Take an aspirin three times a day with water and come back and see me sometime if the pain hasn't gone.


granro said...

I'd rather buy the rampant rabbit.

original looney said...

I'd rather have the jab.

The Black Finger Nail said...

Listening to the Beach Boys Greatest Hits on loop might be an idea? That was you get Good Vibrations every 60 minutes.....

Anonymous said...

I'd pay for a private consultation.
I'm a bit shy
Nooj - (dammit!)

emmat said...

you are the naughtiest agony aunt in the world. I have got the giggles again.
Where's your advice for Joe, though?

emmat said...

Sorry I only just got it. I now can't stop laughing

Arabella Sock said...

Tee hee! You are not the only person not to get the Joe 'advice' straight away. The old jokes are always the best!

the-belgian-bun said...

this is the best blog I've read for ages. keep up the good work

VP said...

Dear Arabella

I fear featuring in GW presenter polls and appearing on the programme itself (albeit as a prominent extra in 2 crowd scenes) has rather turned my head. The resultant flurry of party invitations, e-mails, autograph requests and being recognised hasn't helped either.

Now the excitement has died down I'm feeling rather deflated, dejected and directionless.

Any ideas on how to put the 'I' back in VP?

Arabella Sock said...

My Dear VP - I totally empathise with you... Years ago the Sock appeared in an Open University Programme for BBC2. Despite only being shown at 5.00 in the morning the Sock achieved a huge fan base and more than one stalker. The heady perfume of fame was but a fleeting scent wafting on the winds of time and time ran out very shortly afterwards. Nothing seemed to mean anything any more, dejection set in and there followed a hopeless spiral into chocolate addiction cakes and alcohol.. life never really improved...(cont. p567 )

emmat said...

Cheer up Veg Plotting! There's still plenty of flower show filming action to go this summer. Hampton Court, Tatton, Floral Celebration at the Inner Temple, Malvern Autumn, all still to play for! And if you don't have a ticket, don't worry - I discovered this week that wearing wellies and a fluorescent vest and vaguely mumbling something about the stand I needed to get to, was enough to ensure I didn't actually need a showground pass. Hurray!

VP said...

Arabella - I fear the descent you describe is already happening. I find that fat rascal totally appealing and I have been filmed throwing custard pies in a wild attempt to keep the fame and glory!

Is there really no hope? Ahhhh I see that the lovely Emmat has provided a chink in the darkness...

original looney said...

My mate Dante told me there really was no hope vp.

emmat said...

yes, perhaps get a clipboard too for additional veracity. Wearing Felcos in a holster I think might be too much, but it at least leaves you armed if RHS top brass detected your trespassing. Although apparently sometimes they can be distracted with Eccles cakes.