My dearest Arabella
I am in line for a new job that will require commuting two days a week to the Midlands.
Is it true that if I get passed over for it that I will have to go into a perpetual strop and be forced to spend the next thirty years writing a column for a Red Top Newspaper?
The Sock says: Returning to tabloid journalism would be too much of a step back. Raise your sights higher - and remember the 2007 'Slimmer of the Year' made a fortune promoting merchandise.
I write a column in a well known fish and chip paper and have been stumped by a reader's question. I wonder if you could help?
The reader wants to NOT use chemicals on their brassica bed! Crazy I know - but you get all sorts of long-haired hippies reading my five inches! I can only advise soaking the area in three doses of armillatox before planting and steeping used cigarette butts* to make a handy insecticide.
Yours in desperation,
*Embassy No 1 are preferable.
The Sock says: Perhaps you have aimed your sights too high in attempting to write for a newspaper. Retire gracefully now - the rest of the world has moved on.
How can I up my celebrity status from my current 'E' list grade? I feel I am constantly overlooked and ignored.
I run an online shop and real life "visitor experience" and offer individual MMR jabs as a sideline.
Having advertised on my website 10 lettuce seedlings for £9.95 + £3.95 delivery I have only had a few MEPs as takers.
Given the lettuces are now quite big - should I increase the price to £99.95 for 10 or buy a rampant rabbit?
The Sock says: Take an aspirin three times a day with water and come back and see me sometime if the pain hasn't gone.