Wednesday, 11 June 2008

Ask Arabella

Inspired by Helen Yemm's 'problem page' in the Telegraph and a broad hint from the mysterious Black Fingernail, the Sock has started up as an agony aunt for gardeners.

This has already proved very popular and the Sock is pleased that she is able to be so helpful to readers...

Dear Arabella

I took over an allotment in Enfield last year and instead of meticulously digging out couch grass and mare's tail by hand I got rent-a-mob in to rotovate it into millions of tiny pieces. I thought I could cheat by building some raised beds and covering the weeds with 8,000 tonnes of manure. But this year the weeds have returned with a vengeance. I even found a small dog lost for nearly a year amongst them the other day.



The Sock says: Take a trick from your usual book and move on to a new project whilst quietly forgetting the allotment ever existed.

Dear Arabella

I am a great believer in starving the World's poor and have fully endorsed Mr Mugabe's organic revolution in Zimbabwe, which encourages local people to grow half a row of carrots on a 3,000 acre farm. However, I have recently lost my job and have created a new cult but am having problems recruiting members..


The Sock says: Seek mental help before it is too late.

Dear Arabella

I live next door to a mad old bat who runs around her lawn pretending to be an aeroplane and shouting “Wheeeeeeee”. Furthermore she is forever round at my place eating all the pies.

What can I do?


The Sock says: Get a restraining order immediately and lock the fridge!

Dear Arabella

I put on an extra layer of fat in order to deal with the harsh Northern climate but now I’ve moved down South I don’t need it any more. How can I lose it?


The Sock says: Make sure you lose it discreetly – we don’t want another gastricbandgate. You could try ‘MKFM’ (Magic Knickers for Men) to hold you in whilst you cut down on the cake.


Got a problem you'd like to share? Ask Arabella!


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't dare.

I am writing you out a fresh prescription for double your normal dosage.

emmat said...

internet prescription medicines are good, aren;t they?

Arabella Sock said...

The Sock found a little box of sweets labelled Eat Me.. after that it was all Wonderland.

Fat Rascal said...

Dear Arabella,

I wonder if you can help me with my problem.

I used to have a very close relationship with a famous gardener. He couldn't get enough of me!

He has now moved away and I wonder if I'll ever hear from him again. Rumour has it that he's been advised to give me up completely.

What can I do?

Fat Rascal.

Arabella Sock said...

Dear Fat Rascal

The Sock feels for you the man in question was clearly a Cad!

Have you thought of transferring your affection to Dan Pearson? He needs fleshing out a bit. OK, he got a tad over emotional about missing out on the gold at Chelsea but I'm sure you could be his rock-cake.


The Black Finger Nail said...

Dear Arabella

I have been hounded for some considerable time re my horticultural skills by a Crystaltips character (actually more like the posse from the Hair Bear Bunch) and although I have played the role of "Alistair" quite well, I think I now need professional help.

I have tried Mary, Mungo and Midge, but their lift is broken! Mr Ben is at that weird outfitters and Paddington Bear is detained under the 42 day terrorism rule.

Can you help?


Arabella Sock said...

The Sock says try getting a job instead of watching childrens' daytime TV you lazy longhaired student layabout!

Fat Rascal said...

Thank you Arabella. I am just another victim of the throwaway ethos of modern gardening (rosemary bushes, jasmine, Fat Rascals...)

Don't you think Mr JAS looked a bit skinny at Chelsea? Maybe he'd welcome my attentions?

Arabella Sock said...

JAS seems a lovely man and I'm sure he would be pleased to be the object of your affections but he doesn't really look like a cake type to me.

Have you thought about Durmutt? The Irish are quite big on scones.

emmat said...

Noel Kingsbury really loves cake, and bakes a good one too. I think he'd be your best bet. He must dig a lot because he's a skinny enough man

Fat Rascal said...

I thought that was Mr Kipling...I had to google the gentleman and read that he is a veggie - he might not go for a human cake! He also has sustainability ishoos and I'm not sure I need those in my life!

As for the Oirish one, I've always had him down as more of a savoury man.

emmat said...

I am reading "The MOrville Hours" ad I just got to a bit where she runs round on the lawn pretending to be an aeroplane and shouting "wheeee". Does this mean Reg lives door to Katherine Swift, or is it just another Swiftian coincidence?