There were so many people/places in line for the Order of the Cowpat last week that it became impossible for the Sock to choose. Tesco's would have been high on the list. The Sock never shops at Tesco's on principle - although this is an easy enough principle to stick to as there are other supermarkets closer. But then Hugh Fearnley-What'sisname is a teensy bit irritating too although he probably wouldn't notice another cowpat. The list was endless but after being woken once again at 3.00 am by the psycho birds from hell with their razor-sharp screaming slicing through my dreams, the Sock knew there was only one way to go.
clic for the pic
The Sock is in fact a bird lover but she makes an exception for these gulls which are nesting two houses down from hers. Apart from the horrendous noise at all times of day and night, crimes that these gulls have committed over the years include:
1. One of the chicks threw itself down next doors chimney and waddled all around her pale cream living room covering everything in soot. In spite of this the neighbour managed to shoo it out into her garden and then not quite knowing what to do with it called in a 'man'. The 'man' charged £25 to come out, catch the chick (which was unable to fly at that stage) and put it back out onto the roof through the Sock's skylight. (This was before the Sock realised that a better and cheaper solution would have been to knock it on the head with a spade.)
2. Another neighbour returned from holiday to find their living room buzzing with flies which had hatched out from maggots laid on the stinking corpse of the chick that fell down their chimney.
3. They sit on the roof watching and waiting until the Sock hangs some washing out and then they crap all over it.
4. They dive bomb the Sock's precious cats.
5. They encourage dangerous driving on the road outside as locals try and run over the chicks that have mistakenly believed they can fly already. (When the Sock say chicks these aren't sweet fluffy little things they are hulking great brutes in need of ASBOS.) These chicks then spend a lot of time traipsing around the front gardens and road making an enormous row whilst the parent seagulls scream and swoop at everyone. The grounded chicks occasionally manage a short flight onto my soft top car where they stomp around and poo everywhere.
So the Sock hopes that, whilst they are already surrounded by piles of their own poo, it is a big enough cowpat to smother the mothers.
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