Sunday, 10 August 2008


Dear Arabella

I am really, really upset because I was like using a hedge strimmer on Gardener's World and now people are saying it was like really, really dangerous an accident really, really waiting to happen and a bad example. I mean they are sort of going to report me to the Health and Safety Executive because I was like wearing a loose, flimsy, blouse and I like didn't sort of tie my long and luscious hair back out of the way. Now I really, really don't know what to do.


Arabella says: Dear Alys, You really, really need to get a grip. You should like tell them they are all being really, really sexist because no-one complained about Matthew Wilson with his long hair when he used a chainsaw - although he was like wearing really, really tight trousers!

Dear Arabella

I'm not really interested in my garden and just use it as a storage facility for other peoples plants. However, for a small fee I agreed to do a slot for Gardener's World about it. Now people are saying it wasn't worth the effort and the garden was small and boring. Frankly I would rather have been on the allotment myself. That's not the point though is it - who are these people to criticise? What right have they got to be bored? It's not like they got a gold at Chelsea is it?


Arabella says: Dear Chelsea West. Sorry I fell asleep during that bit so can't comment.

Dear Arabella

After six years of training at RADA I finally got a job on Gardeners' World as Joe Swift's off screen friend at the allotment. People only ever get to hear my voice! I am worth so much more than that and could do a better job than the other presenters.

How can I get the BBC to appreciate my acting skills and give me an on screen part?

Arabella says: Dear Mark, it is Mark isn't it? There is only room for one idiot at the allotment and this role has been more than adequately filled. Pretending you don't know what an entymologist is isn't moronic enough. Can I suggest that with your acting skills you might be more suited to pantomime? Or is that what you think you are doing now?

Dearest Arabella

I was deeply hurt to read on a messageboard that Scotsman Ken Smartarse had called me an insufferable fop in a silly hat!

How can I get over this?

JAS xxxxx

Arabella says: Don't you worry James we've sent Jimmy the Sock round to give him a Glasgow kiss. We all loves ya and your hat!


Anonymous said...

Oh Dear Arabella
I think you may need to work on your empathy skills.
(or at the least staying awake to listen to clients' problems)

Arabella Sock said...

Here at the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy we don't go for a tree-hugging approach to problem solving.

Did any of these people care about my speckled bush crickets? I don't think so.

Incidentally I have rounded up another 6 of these one of which put up struggle and is now one leg short of a full cricket. This doesn't stop it jumping so much as affect the direction it jumps in.

Anonymous said...

Now that's what I call a problem
(for a cricket anyway)
What have you advised it to do?

emmat said...

surely he should wish upon a star for a new one? I heard that always works

Anonymous said...

I thought 100 per cent cashmere meant you were warm and cuddly, not a hard-hearted cricket mutilator with low empathy skills and poor impulse control?
Go on, show us your inner soft sock.
Emma - I've got that bloody song in my head now..

Arabella Sock said...

Dear Anonymous

It's called tough-love and in the end these people will be happier for it.

I boxed up the remaining crickets yesterday and took them to the park. (Then afterwards I took them to see Batman. ha ha) This included Cassidy the legless one. (Lets hope that it hasn't gone deaf as they have an eardrum on their knee.) I did yell "jump" at it but it didn't seem to hear me.

Emma.. when your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme.

emmat said...

what about sex dressed up as nazis?

Arabella Sock said...

Well we have to assume that was what Prince Harry was looking for when he dressed up as such. If it's good enough for the royals...

granro said...

What is it with all you people, getting soft over crickets and caterpillars?

Give your crickets a luxurious and elegant ending - squish them whilst wearing your very best and most elegant shoes.

Gartenmeister said...

Hullo Arabella Lennox-Sock,

Is it me, or wouldn't it be fun to have a section of GW devoted to Alys - not quite looking competent - whilst using powered machinery? The look of panic at 46.04 is almost worth then invention of the BBC iPlayer itself.

That hedge was so sparse, shurely shears or even a lighter-weight leccy trimmer would have been easier... What should she try next time?


Arabella Sock said...

Gartenmeister my old chum - how nice to hear from you. I trust you and your nutty friends are well.

A brilliant idea for Alys! I did consider just having a Texas Chainsaw picture of her and various blood spurting body parts but felt that was too obvious. Not that "obvious" usually stops the Sock as we don't want to make these jokes too taxing for the people who aren't that intelligent.

Do you have any inside information on Britain's Next Top GW Gardener?
It doesn't have to be true.

emmat said...

Every day this blog cheers up my life, that's all I can say.