Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Monty Don and the little pricks

Monty Don has written about his week for the Sunday Times! It bears an uncanny similarity to the Sock's - we both went to see an acupuncturist and had cranial massages - although in the Sock's case the latter is better known as a head massage. The Sock has her head massage at the hairdressers where it induces a state of euphoric drooling which makes the Sock feel better about the world for a short period of time thereby increasing her feeling of health and well-being. This did not happen with the acupuncturist.

Don says "have been having regular acupuncture and cranial massage... for the past six months. I don’t care how it works. It just does." The Sock has been having acupuncture on and off for years and is not as convinced. It seems to work for localised pain and inflammation like back-ache or a specific ailment. As far as treating more amorphous virus type afflictions it is difficult to tell. However the acupuncturist is always good for a laugh because he is a Grade 'A' conspiracy theorist!

The acupuncturist left his role as an NHS doctor some years ago due to his general antipathy towards the system and the belief that he actually wanted to help people get better. This means that with a bit of clever manipulation the Sock can get two diagnoses out of him for the price of one. First the Sock will lure him into a discussion about what a "chemical" cure for all this might be and then agree that clearly one should never pollute one's body with pills and that we just need to "get the damp out" which is usually something to do with the liver. The Sock takes the same view on acupuncture that she does on organic gardening - it is all fine until you need to blast the vine-weevil with provado; acupuncture is good but sometimes a convenient little pill is 'gooder'.

The Sock has passed many a happy acupuncture hour waiting for the little needles to channel the energy appropriately whilst joining the acupuncturist in a rant against the world. Unfortunately, this week the topic was a little alarming. As the Sock sunk down in the comfy chair prepared to give the litany of health complaints the acupuncturist suddenly jumped up and with some dire urgency said

"There is something that I have to tell you!"

This was somewhat alarming and the Sock assumed that there was a death sentence involved for at least one of us.

"The microwaves emitted from mobile phones are scrambling our brains and bodies"!

(The Sock already knew that and like Monty Don would be happy not to have to make another phone call ever again. The Sock never uses her mobile phone because she doesn't know how to and only carries it in case the car breaks down at which point the battery has always run out anyway.)

"Ohmigod!" I gasped, not wanting to let him down in his moment of glory.

"Yes, it isn't just mobiles it's cordless phones - you must get rid of them and you don't have wifi do you?".

Eek! The wifi question came up when the Bedsock installed it and he reassured me that there are less radioactive waves coming off it than from an... er... radio.

"These things are destroying our brains and the government knows but isn't telling us."

The Sock was by this time convinced.

At the end of the session the acupuncturist had sorted out a load of papers printed from slightly dubious web sites all informing of the impending doom of mankind due to microwaves or whatever. These were passed to the Bedsock who binned them but the Sock still has a slight worry that it is all true.

Monty Don closed his article by saying

"The best food and ingredients, preferably organic, should not be the exception or for an elite but be readily available to everyone, every day. "

This at least is true and the Sock had to buy herself a bottle of Baileys and some nice organic chocolate cake in order to maintain her equilibrium.

13 comments:

VP said...

Don't worry Arabella - all this may be swept aside when Cerne gets going tomorrow. Some people think the whole world will end as a result.

Now where's my bottle of Bailey's

Arabella Sock said...

Oh no!!!! I didn't need to know about that. What a worry. Still it means we will never have to find out what Toby Tumnus is like on GW so every cloud....

granro said...

There are certan people who get so worked up about that sort of thing that you just know that no matter how chemical-free their lives are, they are going to die of something high blood pressure-related.

Bedsock dd the right thing.

As for dying tomorrow - I've had a good life. I don't feel I've missed out on anything. I may well feel cheated by Friday evening, though. I hope I'm proven wrong, but I'd far rather watch His Harlowness or Jamesa-s. With a little James Wong for dessert.

Arabella Sock said...

How can you say you haven't missed out on anything? There are books to read, places to see, wine to be drunk, corners to be turned, paths to be followed till you find your dream...

A dream that will need, all the love you can give
Everyday of your life, for as long as you live
Climb every mountain, ford every stream
Follow every rainbow, till you find your dream

Fat Rascal said...

My hairdresser combines the acupuncture with the massage -she has very long, sharp fingernails.

I suppose I can't ethically have Bailey's, too many stickyliqueurmiles. Just as well I don't like it, really.

Arabella Sock said...

Well that is rather sad, Fat Rascal.
What do you have for an apéro in winter then? Gluhwein? Actually strictly speaking Baileys is an any time of day comfort drink although the Bedsock did draw the line at me drinking it out of the bottle last year.

Fat Rascal said...

There is a locally produced apéro called Birlou which is a mix of apple and chestnut. You can make kir with it but that's a bit icky too!

Then there are a couple of Gentian based drinks, Salers being the most local by name but I think it's made in the Corrèze these days. That on the other hand is too bitter ( this is turning out to be like Goldilocks and the 3 bears!) but I can just about take it mixed with Pastis!

You only need one of those...and HWBs become superfluous too!

Arabella Sock said...

I like the sound of Birlou.. that is one of the things I love about France trying all the different local apéros. The amount of bottles of sticky liquer I have bought home which never have quite the same charm in my own home..

emmat said...

I was going to say thank goodness the acupuncturist hasn't heard of the Large Hadron Collider, and then I realised VP already had.

Arabella Sock said...

Was I the only person who had no idea about this Cern thing then? I saw some bits about world ending during the week but I thought they were the usual asteroid ones.

Emma - does this mean that we will never find out what is happening in Midsommer Berryfields?

VP said...

Radio 4 has a whole load of programmes on it tomorrow. Assuming we're here of course.

I think it's a bit like the Victorians who were convinced The Underground wouldn't work and everyone who dared travel on it would suffocate.

However it is a bit worrying when the likes of Stephen Hawking say they don't know what will happen tomorrow. If the guy with a brain the size of a planet doesn't know, then God help us and the people who are building the thing...

On the subject of Aperos, you must try Hierbas from Mallorca. Absolute heaven.

The Black Finger Nail said...

My wife is like an acupuncturist. She gives me the needle!

Arabella Sock said...

Have you been watching your Les Dawson video again BFN? You know what I've told you about that!!!