Monday, 20 July 2009

To pee or not to pee..

Sockwatchers will remember the poll from a few weeks ago where they were asked to vote on whether the Socks should build the new greenhouse themselves or 'get in a man'. The poll went massively in favour of the Sock wanting to build it herself but when the decaying shed was finally cleared away, it was clear there was rather more work to be done preparing the area than at first envisaged.

So the Socks have got in a man to help with some of it. Or to be more correct they have got in Mad Andy who has done various bits of work on the house and garden over the years and is more a family friend than 'a man' inasmuch as unlike just about everyone else we have never had to sue him! The only drawback about Mad Andy is that half the time he doesn't listen to what the Sock tells him and the other half the Sock can't understand what he is on about. A bit like being married.

Mad Andy has many saving graces. He is reliable, honest and a real grafter PLUS he pisses behind the shed. Years ago when Mad Andy helped with the garden construction the Sock asked him why he was pissing behind the shed and he replied that he didn't want to get his dirty bootprints all over the Sock's house. What greater sensitivity could you want from a man?

The Sock suspects that this is actually only half the story. The fact is that most men (and ALL Frenchmen) like to pee outdoors. This excludes the Bedsock who was once shocked when at a garden party a friend just turned and pissed in the shrubbery because he was too lazy to walk the short distance to the toilet indoors. The male art of pissing 'au naturel' would appear to know no class or race boundaries with the possible exception that northerners are more likely to than southerners.

As you have no doubt guessed, the Sock mentally ran our horticultural heroes (and villains) through the 'To pee or not to pee' question and has come up with the following observations. See if you agree.

To Pee

Matthew Wilson - the Sock has no doubt that he sprayed behind every tree at Harlow Carr. A man definitely at one with nature.

Alan Titchmarsh - a probable 'closet tinkler' in all those water features.

Joe Swift - he remembers that fair skinned people burn quickly in the sun and finds another use for the panama hat

Cleve West - why waste water on the allotment?

Toby 'Tumnus' Buckland - an obvious candidate for outdoor urination but what else could be expected from half man, half goat.

Matthew Appleby - the Hort week blogger is a self-confessed northerner. Probably never made it as far as the inevitable outdoor lav.

Monty Don - an obvious pisser who has no doubt helped many a compost pile along with a quick slash. Not sure the image of him astride a ditch is doing it for the Sock though...

Rachella de Thame - Yes, she's in there with the lads, perfectly poised and practiced with her shewee

Christine Walkden - don't even go there.

Not to Pee

Chris Beardshaw


And now you are all wondering where James Alexander-Sinclair fits in this list. Well the Sock couldn't decide on that one, James clearly has impeccable manners otherwise they wouldn't let him near the Queen. The Sock thinks we need the man himself to inform us.


Victoria said...


VP said...

Welcome back!

Your picture looks just like some of the Banksy souvenirs I picked up in the Oxfam shop in Bristol last week.

Ms B said...

I think this blog has reached micturation point!

Anonymous said...
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Mrs Lee-Key said...

A few for your 'To Pee' list:

Martyn Cox - known for his love of irrigating the great outdoors. However, he learnt the unpleasant way why it never pays to pee into the wind.

Bob Flowerdew - always loves to spray on his compost heap.

Christine Walkden - uses a "special bucket".

Martyn Cox said...

Known for my urination skills? I think someone is taking the pxxx.

James A-S said...

There is such a thing, Ms Sock, as a little too much information. I can, however, confirm that I have never peed in front of Royalty (yet). It was touch and go at Chelsea as I noticed at the last moment (thanks to a socially aware and hawk eyed sound technician) that your correspondent's beautifully tailored flies were not fully buttoned.
Delighted that you have taken the sensible option and got a man in to sort the greenhouse. It is good to give employment to people in these times of general hardship.

Arabella Sock said...

Your discretion is admirable James. I am sure that had the Queen been confronted with an unbuttoned fly she would have remembered the old Morecambe and Wise joke.. "There were two old men sitting in deckchairs..."

Frugilegus said...

My mother tells me that my Dad and brother have a treasured behind-shed-peeing-spot when in the garden too. They like it so much they sometimes actually venture outside to use it instead of the toilet. But He-who-lives with-me is a bit different. Our toilet broke a while ago and we had to pee in a bucket for a couple of days. Just the thought of having to pee in a bucket made him weep a bit, and he wouldn't sit on the lawn for three months after I told him I'd emptied it outside. (I then tried to explain that the mud in the garden was basically worm excrement and all the vegetables he'd eaten were grown in it and fed by it, watered by the excretions of many beasts, etc etc, but he just cried harder...)