Wednesday, 9 September 2009

What to buy a man who has everything...

Yes it's that time of year again... the time of year when the letterbox is clogged with magazines advertising their autumn wares. The Sock's favourite out of these is the Essentials brochure full of 'must haves' you never knew you needed. Something for everyone - even those people who have everything already!

For instance, you may think that James Alexander-Sinclair could want for nothing but you would be wrong! JAS has a bit of a sock fetish and what more could he want than some

hot socks - heat them for a few minutes in the microwave and release the essential oils before donning them (also waterproof socks, energisox, moisturising gel socks, Weekday Socks with days of the week printed on to ensure you don't forget to change them, and Soft Tops which stay up without elastic). That's James' 'C' word pressies sorted already!

For Joe Swift - Hair Grow Plus or Scalp Bloc sun protection. Sometimes the obvious choices still go down well.

For Cleve West - poor Cleve was stuck for hours in a traffic jam on the M23 and was no-doubt kicking himself that he didn't have an Unisex Happy-Pee Frog in his glovebox. After the failure of the Shewee* the Sock has ordered an Uriwell for herself as the Bedsock got fractious on finding his measuring jug in her car for emergency use. Interestingly, Essentials have had a recent run on Uriwells and are awaiting new stock.

For Rachella de Ville - Wobbly Whisky tumblers are sure to amuse her dinner guests for hours... laughing already.

After his success in perfecting pizzas at RHS Hampton Court show this year Matthew Wilson is surely in need of a PizzaDome to give his pizzas an authentic flavour. Don't forget pizza is this years baklava.

How has Alan Titchmarsh survived without a Lav Nav Nightlight - the light on the toilet lid turns on as you approach giving 'sufficient light to enable a perfect aim!' A red light shines when the seat is up and green when it is down.

Sshh... don't tell Ms B but her next pressie will be a 'Musical Cake Slice'. With this amusing little objét Ms B and her guests will be able to sing along to such as 'Happy Birthday', 'Jingle Bells' or 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow'!

Can anyone think of who might want a 'fridge monkey'?

* It was rather a shame that the Sock couldn't get the hang of the Shewee (now available in pink) as for £1.99 you can now buy an extension pipe for it which apparently makes 'aiming easier'. Aiming at what?!!!! Are there women all around the country aiming their Shewees at innocent passersby? The Sock had imagined that the extension pipe was for lobbing out the car window so when one was stuck in a traffic jam one could wee in situ.


the cycling gardener said...

Shewee extension pipe - excellent for recycling! Does urine work as a de-icer? Will the pipe stretch to the screen wash reservoir?

emmat said...

Why is hostess trolley on the page 'presents for men'? This is sexual equality gone mad

emmat said...

I am ordering from the girls page right now "the art of napkin folding', it's a book. And maybe a Shewee (trademark)

HappyMouffetard said...

I particularly like the 'collar stiffener wallet' in the 'upmarket gifts' section but it does fill me with social panic that I'm the only person in the country that doesn't use one of these - am I a social outcast? I haven't spent much of my life "rummaging around for an elusive collar stiffener".

Ms B said...

Arabella, I'm afraid I spotted your most thoughtful present so no longer a secret. I am will accompany my Crumb Pet tabletop vacuum cleaner which does not seem to be in that otherwise very useful catalogue. I am considering putting the solid silver tomato ketchup lid on my 'C' must have list!

Arabella Sock said...

Cycling Gardener I would patent that idea immediately. Joint Shewee/De-icer/Screenwash - total recycling and sustainability.

Emma, my mum has a hostess trolley although I don't think it was ever used much even in the 70s. When she pops her clogs (which may be sooner than expected as she is staying with me at the moment and driving me MAD!!!!) my brother and I will have to fight over who has to inherit it. Perhaps it has antique value.

HappyM you won't be a social outcast unless you don't know either the Cinque Ports or the Hanseatic states.

Ms B, you used to be able to buy tomato sauce bottle couplers which comprised of a tube that meant you could balance one on top of the other so the bit of congealed tommy sauce in the top one glopped into the new one. I always wondered how many years it would take to recoup the initial cash outlay in terms of saved sauce.

YAN said...

Some years ago when I was working in a hospital we used to look forward to the new editions of a medical aids catalogue which we would read to eachother in the coffee breaks. It would feature things like walking sticks, neck braces and - erm - rather more personal items. We were mature and responsible medical professionals, but were reduced to hysterical blobs of jelly by them. It really released our inner eight-year olds. Sadly Shewees hadn't been invented then, but I dare say they now feature!

The Black Fingernail said...

On a long journey back through France recently I told my wife I was desperate for the loo. But she resolutely refused to stop the car telling me to instead use the 500ml empty coke bottle at my feet.

Have you ever tried fitting a big shit into a 500ml coke bottle?

Arabella Sock said...

That is disgusting Blackfingernail.
The bloggywog has never plumbed such depths of comment. I am not going delete it as it demonstrates how horrible you are -- I will send it to your wife instead so she will know what you are doing when you are supposed to be at work!

Plant Mad Nige said...

Disgusting it may be, but the BF's comment has absolutely made my day. I laughed so hard my desk lamp went out!

Emmat - I have always dreamed of having my hostesses wheeled in on a purpose built trolley.

BTW The word verification is crevel - presumably a plank of wood used for levelling concrete.

HappyMouffetard said...

Arabella :-P
My social outcastedness is now complete.
BF, that comment has brightened my day.

James A-S said...

I already have a set of socks with the days of the week printed on them: they came from M&S. Sadly Tuesday,Friday and Sunday have holes in one sock so there is a lot of interbreeding going on and my calendar is completely messed up.
I am not at all sure about hot socks: might be a bit like boil in the bag.
HM: By the way, I have an extensive collection of collar stiffeners including some ancient ones made of (probably) the tusks of an extinct animal. Although none in Sterling Silver

HappyMouffetard said...

Oh well, it is just me then.
Plus ca change...
I expect everone else has a sterling silver Marmite lid, too.

Kevin Conway said...
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