In a week that has seen the release of over 800 new hardbacks in time for the Christmas market the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy has been inundated with letters from celebs seeking free publicity!! Fat Rascal and the Blackfingernail have been helping sort through the backlog. Here are some samples...
I have a new book out 'The Livingstone Daisies'. In order to let my adoring public know of it's existence I have been forced to do the rounds of chat show hosts and newspaper articles. Unfortunately I inadvertently let slip that I had always thought Berryfields "had the whiff of a corporation carpark" about it. Now everyone is saying I'm a fake! How can I make people understand that I am a simple man who likes nothing better than to spend my time tilling the soil at my second home farm in Wales and not just some bandwaggoning celebrity navel-gazer?
Incredibly sincerely yours
His Organic Jerkinness, Lord Monty of Don
PS. Can I interest you in my new range of hair care products and Monty Man-Bags?
I have various new books out again, too many to mention here but nobody is taking me seriously anymore. How can I make people understand that I am a gardening sex god and not just an afternoon chat show host and snack advertiser. It’s all so terribly tiring.
Yours cream crackeredly
PS. Can I interest you in my new range of garden tools, compilation CD, and the AT range of men's silk underpants at only £69.50 a pair?
We have new books out but who will buy them when there are so many excellent offerings available from bling producing former holiday presenters and self-proclaimed gardening gods?
Chris Evans, Ozzy Osbourne, AntandDec, Peter Kay etc.
I've just wrote a new Captain Hook wot I have called 'The Mistress'. It deals wiv passion an' prejudice, the love of a beautiful woman Arabella (who thinks she is a Teddington Lock) for a geezer much smaller than 'er.. Can their Golden Dove survive in the Chevy Chase of public prejudice? As the young gardening odd bod hugs 'er in his big strong lucky charms a tear falls from Arabella's big brahn mince pies which are perfickly framed by 'er long Upton Park lashes.... (continued fer anuvver 256 pages)
Martini 'Tiffany' McCutcheon
Didn't quite understand the Cockney Rhyming slang but it appears you have stolen the script for my new book 'The Gardening God of Small Things'. Solicitor's letter will follow. A.S.
Lobster Massacre - .. In order to become a 'fully fledged' member of my family, all boyfriends I took to meet my increasingly eccentric parents were required to pass an in...
4 years ago