Sunday, 11 October 2009

Ask Arabella about your bookywook

In a week that has seen the release of over 800 new hardbacks in time for the Christmas market the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy has been inundated with letters from celebs seeking free publicity!! Fat Rascal and the Blackfingernail have been helping sort through the backlog. Here are some samples...

Dear Arabella

I have a new book out 'The Livingstone Daisies'. In order to let my adoring public know of it's existence I have been forced to do the rounds of chat show hosts and newspaper articles. Unfortunately I inadvertently let slip that I had always thought Berryfields "had the whiff of a corporation carpark" about it. Now everyone is saying I'm a fake! How can I make people understand that I am a simple man who likes nothing better than to spend my time tilling the soil at my second home farm in Wales and not just some bandwaggoning celebrity navel-gazer?

Incredibly sincerely yours

His Organic Jerkinness, Lord Monty of Don

PS. Can I interest you in my new range of hair care products and Monty Man-Bags?


Dear Arabella

I have various new books out again, too many to mention here but nobody is taking me seriously anymore. How can I make people understand that I am a gardening sex god and not just an afternoon chat show host and snack advertiser. It’s all so terribly tiring.

Yours cream crackeredly

A. Titmarsh

PS. Can I interest you in my new range of garden tools, compilation CD, and the AT range of men's silk underpants at only £69.50 a pair?


Dear Arabella

We have new books out but who will buy them when there are so many excellent offerings available from bling producing former holiday presenters and self-proclaimed gardening gods?


Chris Evans, Ozzy Osbourne, AntandDec, Peter Kay etc.


Dear Arabella

I've just wrote a new Captain Hook wot I have called 'The Mistress'. It deals wiv passion an' prejudice, the love of a beautiful woman Arabella (who thinks she is a Teddington Lock) for a geezer much smaller than 'er.. Can their Golden Dove survive in the Chevy Chase of public prejudice? As the young gardening odd bod hugs 'er in his big strong lucky charms a tear falls from Arabella's big brahn mince pies which are perfickly framed by 'er long Upton Park lashes.... (continued fer anuvver 256 pages)


Mwah mwah

Martini 'Tiffany' McCutcheon

Dear Tiffany

Didn't quite understand the Cockney Rhyming slang but it appears you have stolen the script for my new book 'The Gardening God of Small Things'. Solicitor's letter will follow. A.S.


Karen - An Artist's Garden said...

You found your muse again then Arabella - A fabulous Sunday morning read.

Rothschild Orchid said...

You could have posted a warning!...I've splurted coffee all over my keyboard again.

Brilliant post! So good to have the sock back,

RO :o)

emmat said...

Dear Arabella

I am a award-winning-gardening writer-cum-self-anointed-Darwin-expert who is about to publish a book on Darwin and his ickle doggywogs. I know, I know, Dawkins, Attenborough etc have all beaten me to it, but then on the other hand, I look better in a skirt. Can you give me any advice for promoting my book apart from exploiting my celebrity connections (such as my close friendship with James Alexander Sinclair and Arabella Sock)?

Emma Trampshed

emmat said...

I am thinking of selling special tie-in tea towels and possibly my own signature range of Darwin's Dogs Klippets, what do you think?

Arabella Sock said...

I couldn't let people think Arabella was going too soft Karen. LOL But I had more than a little inspiration from my friends for this one.

Emma, any book with pictures of little doggywoggles in it is a sure fire winner. Could you borrow Yolanda's ickle doggle Tara for some cutesy cover picture? And don't worry, your bookywook is bound to outsell Matthew Wilson's effort as it looks like he is going to miss the Chrimbo market.

Darwin's Dog Klippets!!!!!! Fantastic. I'll order a jumbo pack.

VP said...

Dear Arabella,

I'm shocked to find there's over 800 hardback titles to choose from for that event that begins with C which doesn't happen until December!!! All my friends - well, everyone called Emma and theirs have gone straight to paperback - have had something published this year, but I seem to have missed out on the gravy train. Can you please tell me where I'm going wrong?

Yours Very Penitently...

emmat said...

For legal reasons apparently I should have made it clear my award wasn't for garden writing, it was for the 200 metres back crawl.