Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Ask Arabella about Landscape Man

Another new series, another postbag full of queries arrives at the SOIG... and this time it's 'Landscape Man' that has set off the scribblers


Dear Ms. Sock

After watching Landscape Man we were inspired to rush out and hire diggers to create a canyon in our back yard.  Nobody warned us that this was going to cost far more than our allocated makeover budget of a 'Groundforce' £500  OR that the canyons were likely to collapse entombing  our next-door neighbour and his cat in a sea of mud and shingle.

Who can we sue?

Yours sincerely

Albert Phuquit


Dear Mr. Phuquit

I think under these particular circumstances you need to take some responsibility for your own actions.  After all it's not like your backyard disappeared under a cloud of volcanic ash.

Shore up the canyons with some chicken wire, plant a few cacti, call it a 'desert garden' and charge people an entrance fee of £50 to view it.  You should soon recoup some of your losses.

Yours
AS
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My dearest Arabella

It would seem my new series has gone down well with only a few voices of dissent from the usual suspects. However, I was slightly stung by criticism that I was talking to the 'unseen person to the right of the cameraman' rather than direct to audience.  After watching America's Next Top Model I have been keen to get my 'angles' right in order to display my manly, rugged features and firm chin to their best advantage.  I am convinced this profile to camera is my best one but I also want to connect with my audience.  What can I do?

My deepest affection to you
The Accessible Antonio Badgerass

Dear Matthew (for it is he)

As a viewer I was pleased to see that your face could take a close-in camera shot without being too frightening.  I wouldn't worry too much about camera angles as a lot can be done with make-up or a close shave.

I do think that the 'angst' of the situation was a little heavily played on.  Remember that Tyra Banks always tells the models to "smize" (smile with your eyes) and a bit more smizing from you wouldn't have gone amiss - after all it wasn't like anyone had fallen off their digger or had a canyon collapse on them.

love
 Arabella
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Dear Madam Sock

Keith Wiley's garden may have been full of flowers but it isn't art and therefore he can't charge £50 for people to look at it.

My garden is a work of art which I created and maintain despite being penniless and having to live on lava bread and bara brith.  Yet I am still never given credit for my artistic genius.  What do I have to do to gain recognition in my own lifetime?


Yours
Doris Bonkers

Dear Doris

Er... you could try cutting your ear off?

Best regards
Arabella

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Dear Illustrious Sock

I watched Landscape Man at Keith Wiley's garden with interest but couldn't help feeling that I would have done a better job at solving Keith's problems. I would have taken a much more patriarchal attitude  towards the Wiley's and I would have advised them to get some pigs.  There is not much in life that I can't solve with the aid of a herd of pigs about the place.  Did I tell you about the bloke with the bi-polar disorder that I helped by bringing on the pigs? Well I suggested to him that.... (cont. pg 94).

Faithfully yours
His Organic Jerkinness Lord Monty of Don

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

10 comments:

patientgardener said...

this is very very funny and cheered me up no end (having bad day and considering pigs to cure my depression!) thanks so much
Helen

Simon the Pig said...

Twiffic as usual. Not sure that Ms. Bonkers will agree tho'

Arabella Sock said...

I'm glad you like it - I'm never sure with any of my 'supposed to be funny' blogs whether they actually are or not and this was a very last minute post. Personally I love the phrase "bring on the pigs" and shall use it everytime someone needs cheering up! LOL

VP said...

Arabella, you are soooooo naughty!

WV says Symples ;)

Plant Mad Nige said...

Did you say 'pig' or 'fig?'

I was a bit fuddled by this post. Can it be something to do with one of those televisual goggly things? And did it relate to a sort of latter day Heathcliffe? I think we should be told.

I fell down a canyon once, trying to photograph a rare rock rose. It wasn't funny, especially as I had to cling to the rock rose which got accidentally uprooted. It's an even rarer species now.

jro said...

Yes, and Yes, Nige. Shame about the rock rose. Why don't you have a TV programme? You should.

I wanted to give Canyon Man's wife a big hug. Alternatively, perhaps someone could point her in the direction of this blog?

Arabella Sock said...

I'm not surprised your confuzzled Nigel but you have pretty much worked it out anyway. All you really need to know is that when Matthew Wilson was being interviewed on Radio 5 he was referred to as "an accessible Antonio Banderas"!

Also questions have been raised by various factions on whether it is fair to the landscape business to not give true budgets of the cost of these various gardens as it gives punters the wrong impression. Also whether seeing Keith Wiley dig out canyons with his digger isn't going to make lots of people rush out and do this in their gardens when it isn't safe! Ha ha!

I do hope you got a picture of the rock rose!

Karen - An Artist's Garden said...

Wonderful Arabella, you have made my day.
K
PS Lovin' the phrase "bring on the pigs"
k

matthew wilson said...

No, your 'supposed to be funny' posts are very funny Ms Sock, long may they continue!

Need to check this comment for spelling mistakes - terribly hard to type whilst looking slightly to one side an into the distance...

Yours, Ted the Badger/Tony Badgerass/Colin Firth/Heathcliff/Darcy......

Ms B said...

Oooooh, you are naughty......but I like you!

(Pssst, is Antonio Badgerbum trying to tell you he is in fact suffering from strbismus aka wandering eyes?)