Dear Ms. Sock
After watching Landscape Man we were inspired to rush out and hire diggers to create a canyon in our back yard. Nobody warned us that this was going to cost far more than our allocated makeover budget of a 'Groundforce' £500 OR that the canyons were likely to collapse entombing our next-door neighbour and his cat in a sea of mud and shingle.
Who can we sue?
Dear Mr. Phuquit
I think under these particular circumstances you need to take some responsibility for your own actions. After all it's not like your backyard disappeared under a cloud of volcanic ash.
Shore up the canyons with some chicken wire, plant a few cacti, call it a 'desert garden' and charge people an entrance fee of £50 to view it. You should soon recoup some of your losses.
My dearest Arabella
It would seem my new series has gone down well with only a few voices of dissent from the usual suspects. However, I was slightly stung by criticism that I was talking to the 'unseen person to the right of the cameraman' rather than direct to audience. After watching America's Next Top Model I have been keen to get my 'angles' right in order to display my manly, rugged features and firm chin to their best advantage. I am convinced this profile to camera is my best one but I also want to connect with my audience. What can I do?
My deepest affection to you
The Accessible Antonio Badgerass
Dear Matthew (for it is he)
As a viewer I was pleased to see that your face could take a close-in camera shot without being too frightening. I wouldn't worry too much about camera angles as a lot can be done with make-up or a close shave.
I do think that the 'angst' of the situation was a little heavily played on. Remember that Tyra Banks always tells the models to "smize" (smile with your eyes) and a bit more smizing from you wouldn't have gone amiss - after all it wasn't like anyone had fallen off their digger or had a canyon collapse on them.
Dear Madam Sock
Keith Wiley's garden may have been full of flowers but it isn't art and therefore he can't charge £50 for people to look at it.
My garden is a work of art which I created and maintain despite being penniless and having to live on lava bread and bara brith. Yet I am still never given credit for my artistic genius. What do I have to do to gain recognition in my own lifetime?
Er... you could try cutting your ear off?
Dear Illustrious Sock
I watched Landscape Man at Keith Wiley's garden with interest but couldn't help feeling that I would have done a better job at solving Keith's problems. I would have taken a much more patriarchal attitude towards the Wiley's and I would have advised them to get some pigs. There is not much in life that I can't solve with the aid of a herd of pigs about the place. Did I tell you about the bloke with the bi-polar disorder that I helped by bringing on the pigs? Well I suggested to him that.... (cont. pg 94).
His Organic Jerkinness Lord Monty of Don