Saturday, 31 May 2008


So, after the public outcry of Couchgate where Joe rotovated his allotment, Jasminegate where Joe shocked the poor people by calling £16.99 worth of jasmine polyanthum a disposable plant, we now have Invisiblemategate!

The Sock thought that this business of talking to an unseen person off screen was some sort of weird mockney affliction as Jamie Oliver does it and so did that girl fronting the Spanish food series where her partner kept going off and shooting wild boar whilst she cooked a lot of offal - or should that be an offal lot! (groan...)

Who is Joe's mysterious invisible friend that has caused such a frenzy of excitement?

The Sock can now reveal his identity!

click for the pic

There's a lot of them about!!!!

Friday, 30 May 2008


The Sock has become somewhat worried that gorgeous pouting Chris Beardshaw is falling behind in the race for Britain's Next Top Gardener due to his somewhat serious persona and slightly tragic fashion sense.

The Sock has been experimenting with new looks for Chris but is not sure she has really caught the right image yet

Any ideas for a new Beardshaw look? Speak to the Sock!

Compost Couture

Fashion students at Heriot Watt University's School of Textile and Designs have designed a range of clothes to be worn in the garden and then thrown on a compost heap.

The students have produced two collections entitled Gardening Meets Haute Couture and Gardening Clothing Using Green Fibres. They were challenged to make the clothes using organically produced or eco-friendly fabrics and a range of materials including hemp and potato starch were used to put together the outfits.

Apparently the challenge was to make "something a gardener would actually wear"!

No doubt the students took inspiration from watching GW where His Organic Jerkinness has been striding the long borders in his eco-garments for some time.

Carol Klein will wear anything as long as it involves a long scarf and Joe will wear anything the producers tell him to - what else could explain the Malvern hat?

Thursday, 29 May 2008

In line for Promotion...

The Sock is offering her services to her favourite contenders for 'Britain's Next Top Gardener' by creating promotional videos which she feels encompass the essence of what they can offer!

First off is Carol Klein

The Carol Klein promotion is also available as an animated doll. Supplied with it's own everlasting batteries it will never need winding up!

Wednesday, 28 May 2008

Action man

After Monty Don's 'ascetic priest' approach to Gardener's World the Sock will be pleased if the new lead presenter takes it in a different, punchier, direction. The Sock is informed that action man Matthew Wilson exudes masculinity and will be the ideal antidote to His Organic Jerkinness..

Matthew - you were only supposed to layer the bloody hedge!

Separated at Birth

Has anyone else noticed the incredible resemblance between super Swede Pippi Longstocking and swede grower Bob Flowerdew? Bob is only one plait short of the full Longstocking!

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Recycling Chelsea

We at the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy take recycling very seriously so it was with concern that the Sock read the following post on Guerilla Gardening

Clink for the link

If true this could leave the so-called Hilary Blume as front runner for this weeks Order of the Cowpat!


Now that the excitement of Chelsea has died down the Sock is turning her mind to her other interests which include the Worshipful Cult of the Spork. Some of you may be asking what is a spork? The Sock has found the following explanations for you...

The official meaning is


Blend of sp(oon sb. + f)ork sb. A proprietary name for a piece of cutlery combining the features of a spoon, fork, (and sometimes, knife). `Spork' is the colloquial term for `Runcible Spoon'

Yet a spork is so much more than just a poor excuse for an eating utensil.

A spork is a perfect metaphor for human existence. It tries to function as both spoon and fork, and because of this dual nature, it fails miserably at both. You cannot have soup with a spork, it is far too shallow; you cannot eat meat with a spork, the prongs are too small.


The Sock has a variety of Sporks.

click for the pic

The metal ones are the more traditional and valuable variety. The plastic ones, which come in a range of colours, were a gift from the manager of an Outdoor Shop in Shrewsbury. The Sock and her constant companion the Bedsock, were about to leave the shop when the Sock noticed a container filled with sporks on the counter. As we all know that Shrewsbury is full of cults, the Sock immediately connected with the manager and gave him the Secret Sign of the Society of the Spork. (For the uninitiated this involves holding your arm out with your hand in such a position as it resembles both spoon and fork at the same time – try it!) Unfortunately the Sock had misjudged the situation and the manager, in a state of alarm, thrust a load of sporks at her screaming “Please, please take them.. for free!”

The Sock is designing a new spork-style obelisk which she hopes will replace the current ones at Berryfields when the new broom sweeps out the old rubbish.

click for the pic

Monday, 26 May 2008

Body Doubles

The Sock was shocked to be informed that various TV Gardeners need to use body doubles for filming the difficult shots! We're not talking extreme stunt gardening here - apparently some of them don't even know how to hold a spade!

The Sock finds it difficult to believe that a Chris Beardshaw body double was employed during a scything scene where Chris was unable to use the right technique. The Sock doesn't blame Chris for not wanting to get his beautiful manly hands dirty but there is no one as gorgeous as Chris they could have used as a double!

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Order of the Cowpat

This weeks Order of the Cowpat for most annoying "celebrity" goes to..

click for the flic and WAIT

So, Farewell Then...

The Observer reports that the Don's departure has inspired a rare kind of poetry in messageboard posters. Here at the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy the Sock has been inundated with odes to the great man and more than a few limericks. However the following poem from Fat Rascal best conveyed the general mood..

Monty Lament

No vine weevil, no slugs, no rust, no blight,
No mildew, no aphid, no wilt, no damping off
Have brought about our present plight

No pest or disease in one fell stroke
Could bring more pain and grief
To fans of the beeb’s top gardening bloke

We weep, we moan, no tears are lacking
We rent asunder ethical garments
Handwoven from organic sacking (please consult our catalogue)

His furrowed brow, his loping stride
His curly hair and manly bag
No more at Berryfields espied

The Don is not dead but simply gone
The fruitcage stands empty, obelisks bereft
But surely Gardener’s World lives on?

Don’t let your veggies droop or slack
Turn your compost with gladdened heart

Maybe, just maybe, Beardshaw will come back?

Horses for Corses

The Sock was surprised to learn that Ladbroke's are already giving odds on Britain's Next Top Gardener with Matthew Wilson as front runner.

2/1 Matthew Wilson - dark stallion

4/1 Joe Swift – amiable donkey

5/1 Carol Klein - mare's nest

7/1 Alys Fowler - skinny colt

7/1 Chris Beardshaw – Pegasus

10/1 Alan Titchmarsh - knackers yard

1000/1 Christine Walkden - back end of an ass

The Sock is thinking of putting a monkey on Matthew Wilson. If anyone has insider knowledge that will stop her wasting her money then please speak to the Sock – total confidentiality guaranteed!

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Speak to the Sock...

The Sock is delighted to have had so many visitors in the first week of The Sea of Immeasurable Gravy.

Chelsea week is drawing to a close and the Sock will be looking for more inspiration from the world of horticulture and the world at large. Any ideas? Share with the Sock at

It has come to the Sock's notice that not everybody likes her cute and fluffy style. The Sock has only one message for her detractors...

click for the pic

Friday, 23 May 2008


The Sock was impressed to find that Alan Titchmarsh had cashed in on his celebrity to endorse the originally named 'Alan Titchmarsh collection'. The range includes plantmarkers, bookmarks, gloves and handcream set. The Sock believes that young gardening god Chris Beardshaw may be missing out on the merchandise market and would like to offer the following prototype

click for the flic

(low speed internet users may have to WAIT!)

If the 'Beard-in-a-box' proves successful it opens the doors to whole range of Beardshaw related products...

Separated at Birth?

Has anyone else noticed the astonishing resemblance between gardeners' favourite Alys Fowler and childrens' favourite Mr. Whippy?

Alys may be a long shot contender for new presenter of Gardener's World but she certainly melts the hearts of many male viewers.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Following the Don - The Applicants...............

Filling the Don's shoes?

It has just been announced that Monty Don has suffered a minor stroke and will not be returning to his role as lead gardener on Gardener's World. The Sock extends her greatest sympathies to Don but is slightly miffed that a lot of her best jokes may
now have to be binned!

Whilst the lead presenter's role can be something of a poisoned chalice the Sock believes that there can be no-one better to fill this position than man of the people, Matthew Wilson. Wilson's 'common touch' extends to occasional forays onto the BBC gardening messageboards despite what was to become known as the "bunny boiling incident" last year.

Matthew is dark and handsome in a brooding sort of a way and is clearly a man of soul and sensitivity. Plus he is tall and loves cats - the Sock bets he keeps his pussies very happy.

Celebrated National Treasure...

Chelsea moved from the ridiculous Joe to the sublime Beardshaw in an object lesson on how presenting should really be done! Chris's delivery was smooth, serious and totally entrancing as he introduced plants he felt should be celebrated as National Treasures. The real treasure here was Chris himself!

The Sock was pleased to see that La Beardshaw is now in possession of more than one shirt although it is possible that yesterday's Liberty style fabric is more normally used for curtains... a small criticism which in no way spoilt the Sock's viewing enjoyment.

Chris informed that the imported National Treasure - wisteria sinensis - is meant to represent unrequited love...

Chris.... you don't have to worry the Sock will always be here for you!!

People power unplugged

Coming so soon after the news that various production companies had been trousering the cash fromdubious telephone votes - the Sock noticed with some disquiet the following announcement on the BBC Chelsea website...

The vote is closed due to a technical problem with the sound on some of the garden tours. We apologise to those of you who have taken the time to vote for your favourite garden - however we had to take this action in order to ensure that all gardens and their designers had a fair chance. We will be using our contingency plan and our expert panel will be selecting the final shortlist of four gardens. However the public will still be able to decide their favourite garden from the shortlist and we will be giving details of this on Friday.

Can anyone tell the Sock in what sense the selection of four gardens for the final shortlist is a "people's vote"?

The Sock hopes that the selection procedure will be open and honest and that the "People" are informed as to the process and the identity of the judges. This will confound rumours that the BBC took action after fears that the People's vote was going in favour of the Brian Harvey 'Ecstasy Garden'.

UPDATE: In a "piss-up/brewery" situation the BBC has now posted an announcement saying the situation is resolved and the vote will start again from scratch!! Many people may remain unaware that their votes cast earlier in the week now count for nothing!

Wednesday, 21 May 2008

Hey Joe... where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

It wouldn't be a huge surprise to find that Joe had taken the easy way out.. rather than face the public again after tonight's performance as Indiana Joe and The Temple of Bloom. The sketch obliged him to dress in the obligatory fedora and bumble around Chelsea in an embarrassing attempt to "find" the flower marquees!

But is it Joe's fault? The Sock likes Joe and believes he is generally a good presenter with a light touch. However he is wrong to allow himself to be treated as Alan Titchmarsh's fall guy all the time! It is demeaning to Joe and the sketch illustrated the contempt in which the producers hold the viewing public. At the end of the piece Joe noted "I like a man with integrity". So do we all, Joe - so stop it... just STOP IT!

Phil the Greek

The gaffe-prone Duke of Edinburgh (otherwise known as Phil the Greek) astonished gardeners at Chelsea yesterday when he stomped off after James Durie, designer of the Australian Garden politely corrected him on the identity of a palm. Prince Phillip, who has recently been exonerated of all blame over the possible assassination of Princess Diana, muttered "I didn't want a bloody lecture". Durie, with a restrained courteousness not usually associated with our antipodean friends, suggested that the Prince was merely a bit tired. So not the miserable old bugger that everyone else knows him to be then!

Who ate all the pastries?

Originally posted as part of Emma T's 'Emsworth Show' Summer 08.


 Gardeners Re-Vampyred

Three Men and their Incredible Dancing Bottoms

Another man and his Incredible Dancing Bottom

James-AS does Bond

The End of the Gardeners' World Team as we know them

The Beginning of the End for Gardeners' World as we know it

The one where Matthew Wilson ate all the pastries

The one where Matthew Wilson does spaghetti western

The one where Chris Beardshaw gets loved up

The one where Chris Beardshaw shows us his moves

Separated at birth?

Has anyone else noticed the startling resemblance between gardening gold and sometime BBC blogger Cleve West and Hollywood Hunk George Clooney?

The Sock knows which one she'd prefer to bring round the Martini!

The Sign

Praise the lord! The Sock received a sign from gorgeous gardening god Chris Beardshaw yesterday! Whilst Chris was touring the plant marquee he stopped to admire a clematis at Sheila Chapman's stand.
Holding the plant in his strong manly hands he turned to the camera and with his piercing blue eyes radiating right out of the screen at me said "..and this is the lovely Arabella".

Chris - the Sock got the message and is loving you right back!

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Billy no-medals

Whilst The Sock was sad to see The Simply Italian garden missed out on the medals it was less surprising to see that Sralans "Apprentice Gardens" didn't get a gong. In a new move for the Apprentice TV show, teams were asked to build a Chelsea garden in 24 hours and see what profit could be made in selling them to the punters. Very little profit indeed by the look of it...

Breaking News..

In a move that has rocked the horticultural world - Brian Harvey (who once ran over his own head) has snubbed the offer of Gardener's World lead presenter and opted for a stint as Head Gardener at Highgrove!

Coming just hours after Harvey won the Best in Show at Chelsea, he has shocked the nation by turning down the opportunity to take over the mantle graced by gardening legends Geoffrey Hamilton and Alan Titchmarsh citing a decline in television production values and having to garden in the Midlands.

Instead it is believed that following the resignation of David Howard as Head Gardener at Highgrove; HRH The Prince of Wales sent an SOS plea to Harvey to move to Gloucestershire.

Remember... you heard it first on the Sea of Immeasurable Gravy ....

Monday, 19 May 2008

Turning Japanese

The Sock was too astounded by Alan Titchmarsh's new coiffure and sideburns to really take in much else of tonight's Chelsea coverage. The Sock did wonder if Titchmarsh wasn't somewhat influenced by the apparent horticultural trend for all things Japanese...

Joe Swift's Allotment in 2009

Monty Don and the Red String

The Sock has been asked to say something about Monty Don who is currently indisposed leaving the Homer Monkey to front Gardener's World.

Last year Don answered curious members of the BBC Gardening Boards (of which we have no knowledge) regarding the red string bracelet he was seen to wear on GW. Don posted that..

"...It was a red string called kalava which is tied by a priest to the right wrist of males and the left of females in Hindu temples when you make an offering. It is designed to ward off evil spirits and bring good luck and must not be removed until it naturally falls off..."

Doesn't seem to be working Monty - you should ask for your money back!

Chelsea - out to lunch!

The Sock just caught the Monday lunchtime coverage of Chelsea so just a few thorts.

The best thing you can say about presenter Nicky Chapman is that she's not Amanda Holden. Then there was Chris (who he?) a geeza who appeared to still be dressed for his bit part in The Long Good Friday. Exactly who is "Chris" meant to appeal to? If you want someone who looks like a shifty perp then why not ask Shane Ritchie to present it? He can't be out of the Beebs price range these days. Chris extolled the wonders of chrysanthemums - some of which are being preserved using cryogenics! The Sock thinks euthanasia would be more appropriate.

The Sock liked her namesake Arabella's garden which consisted of a rectangular pond. In reality, how long before the exquisite curve of lily pads floating so precisely, spread to form a blob on the surface thus destroying the whole concept and turning it into merely a rectangular pond?

Andy Sturgeon was right to think his patio material showed all the dirt - even before he mentioned it the Sock thought he'd have to give it a good sweep before the judges come round!

The usual ghastly C listers were there - the melted plastic face that is Sian Lloyd, Anne Robinson so botoxed she had difficulty speaking (just one more injection should put us all out of misery then) and others too forgettable to mention.

Oh - the Sock did catch a very forced, embarrassing, little exchange between Nicky and Andy Sturgeon. In one of those 'faux chats' to each other that viewers have come to enjoy so much they explained that some of the smaller gardens were "constructed very cheaply" and that even in the belt tightening days ahead inspiration could be taken from them without pulling on the purse strings too much!!

The Sock says if the poor people can't afford Chelsea they shouldn't have had so many children!

To end on a high note... press the red button on BBC digital from 12.30 am tomorrow and you get 24/7 commentary by Chris Beardshaw!!!

A small fashion detail...

Whilst one hesitates to make any criticism of gardening pocket-adonis Chris Beardshaw... there is the small matter of the jacket and shirt....

OK, it's not a bad shirt but lose the jacket man!! A fiver says he will be wearing the same or similar at Chelsea 2008.

I am only too willing to offer Chris a free fashion consultation...

He only needs to Talk to the Sock!

Sunday, 18 May 2008

The Unofficial Chris Beardshaw Fan Club

Before we start the Chelsea week I should just explain about the CB Fan Club.

It started on one ordinary day. Got up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, made my way downstairs and made some toast.. and then I saw it.. it just took one ping from the toaster for life to change...

Then I started to see him everywhere..

Even the postman kept ringing twice....

I knew that there were others out there experiencing the same strange dreams... and now we are beginning to find each other.............

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Chelsea Garden Preview

Over the last year scurrilous rumours appeared on the BBC Gardening site suggesting that Brian Harvey (who ran over his own head with his car) was to be the next presenter of Gardener's World. Monty Don's current indisposition would seem to give the lie to this - surely Brian would have been standing in for him by now? However, Harvey fans should take heart - Brian is busy preparing his garden for the Chelsea Flower Show. Unlike Rachel de Thame, Brian apparently has a Kew Diploma in Gardening and is not even a pretty face..

Sneak preview of the garden clic on the pic to enlarge. Don't forget.. you saw it here first

Sock it to me!

Friday, 16 May 2008

Chelsea Flower Show

Over the coming week the Sock will be concentrating on the fun, frivolity and fantasy that is the Chelsea Flower Show.

Do you have an alternative view of Chelsea that you can't publish elsewhere?

Talk to the sock!

Sock it to me!